“The First (Annoyed Grunt)-el” — As the Christmas service is about to get underway at the First Church of Springfield, Lovejoy phones Flanders and tells him he can’t make it. Flanders rushes to the altar to fill in, but a paper cut causes him to faint. Homer steps in to deliver the sermon. He tells the parishioners the first story of Christmas. In Nazareth, in the year 1 B.C., Mary (Marge) tells Joseph (Homer) she is pregnant. An angel (Lisa) appears, and tells Mary that her son will become the King of the Jews. Later three wise men (Frink, Skinner, and Hibbert) tell King Herod about the birth of Jesus. Herod demands the child be brought to him. Baby Jesus (Bart) angers Joseph by turning his wine into water. Joseph tries to throttle Jesus, but the Angel appears and threatens him. Joseph grows nervous, and says he was only going to tickle the child. To keep Jesus happy, Joseph and the wise men resort to physical comedy, a la the Three Stooges. Later Herod shows up at the manger to see the baby Jesus. Joseph and the others trick Herod into pursuing a duck wearing a halo. High above, on a hillside, Joseph and the others chop down a tree. The tree rolls down the hillside and wraps Herod and some Roman soldiers in its branches. The tree ends up in the center of town, “decorated” with the banged-up bodies of Herod and the Romans.

“I Saw Grampa Cussing Santa Claus” — Bart and Lisa see Grampa coming down the chimney holding a bear trap. Grampa says he’s trying to kill Santa Claus, who did him wrong during World War II. Grampa explains that during the war, he and his brother Cyrus were Navy pilots. As the story unfolds in flashback, Grampa and Cyrus are shot down during a dogfight with the Japanese. Cyrus is never heard from again. Grampa ends up on an atoll in the Pacific, along with Mr. Burns, who acted as his radioman. As time passed, their hopes of a rescue began to vanish. On Christmas Eve Burns gives Grampa a present, hoping it will help erase the tension between them. A short time later both men hear the roar of something in the sky. Burns fires wildly into the air… and accidentally shoots down Santa Claus. Grampa promises to have Grampa’s sleigh up and running in no time. Once the sleigh is repaired, however, Burns knocks Santa unconscious. He then pulls a gun on Grampa, and says that the sleigh represents his ticket off the island. Burns rides the sleigh into the air, but Grampa gives chase on a reindeer. Grampa overpowers Burns, and later returns the sleigh to Santa. Santa promises he’ll return to the island in a few days to rescue Grampa. Santa broke his promise, which explains why Grampa wants to kill him. After Grampa finishes telling his story, Lisa and Bart share a dubious look. Later Santa appears and gives Grampa his brother’s lucky watch. Santa explains that Cyrus didn’t die during the war: he crashed on the island of Tahiti, and never left. Santa reunites Grampa with his brother, and the two sit on a Tahitian beach, sipping tropical drinks.

“The Nutcracker… Sweeeeet” — On Christmas Eve day Homer and other parents escape from an especially dreadful student production of The Nutcracker. Lisa tells Homer that everyone performs it because it’s in the public domain and doesn’t cost anything. Moments later the march from The Nutcracker begins, and various people from throughout town sing to the music. Later the family gathers in front of the television. They watch a clip from a Krusty the Clown show in which a wooden nutcracker clamps down on Krusty’s crotch area. Moe begins his holiday tradition: trying to commit suicide. Moe asks Barney to kill him, but Barney hands him a wool hat, and Moe gives up on the idea of ending his life. Homer realizes he forgot to buy Marge a Christmas present. Homer tries in vain to find a gift on Christmas Eve. He returns home empty handed. Marge hands Homer his present. Inside the box is another wrapped gift. Marge says that she knew he’d forget to buy her something, so her gift to Homer is his gift to her. Homer smiles, and hands Marge the present. Inside is a framed picture of the two of them.